Episcopal parents attended recent Health, Safety, and Well-Being events as part of a parent series designed to equip them with tools and strategies to support their children’s social and emotional health and well-being. In addition to fostering healthy development, the series also helps parents recognize early signs of common social, emotional, and behavioral challenges that may arise during childhood and adolescence.
Two sessions have already been held on the Munnerlyn Campus:
What to Expect in Upper School: Major Academic and Social-Emotional Changes and How Parents Can Help (for parents of 9th–10th grade students), featuring Natalie Herford, Head of Upper School; Christy Hodges, Dean of Student Life; Amy Burrows Perkins ’92, Director of Student Services; and Dr. Elise Fallucco, Director of Health, Safety, and Well-Being Programming.
- What to Expect in Middle School: Major Academic and Social-Emotional Changes and How Parents Can Help (for parents of 6th–9th grade students), featuring Paige McGee, Head of Middle School; Christy Hodges, Dean of Student Life; Amy Burrows Perkins ’92, Director of Student Services; and Dr. Elise Fallucco, Director of Health, Safety, and Well-Being Programming.
Videos and full transcripts from these sessions are available below.
Upcoming session:
Supporting Your Teen through Upper School Stress: Reframing the College Search and Promoting Well-Being Along the Way – October 28 (for parents of Upper School students).
Videos
Read transcript
Disclaimer: The transcript below was generated automatically using CastMagic. It may contain errors or inaccuracies and should not be considered a verbatim record.
Dr. Elise Fallucco:
All right. Hello and good morning. Thank you guys for making it this morning. We’re really excited to see you all and really excited for a great conversation to start. For those of you I don’t know, my name is Elise Fallucco. I’m a child and adolescent psychiatrist and the Director of Health, Safety and Well-Being Programming here at ESJ. But most importantly, I’m a mother of three, including an Upper School student. So I understand both sides of the coin. I first wanted to give a large thank you to our parent engagement committee members. If you could raise your hand. Jim Caserta. Stephanie Freeman. Lauren Durant. Oh, hey. Good to see you. Thank you, guys. It is because of these individuals and from feedback from parents like you that we’ve started this entire series. What we’ve heard is this is a major life developmental transition and partner parents want to partner with Episcopal to help us through this stage. So thank you for our parent HSW committee. And now I’m going to go ahead and introduce our fantastic team of school leaders.
Amy Perkins:
Good morning, everybody. I’m Amy Perkins. I’m the Director of Student Services and a licensed mental health counselor. Mostly supporting students in the role as a counselor day-to-day, but also loving the time I get to spend with parents talking about what it’s like to be a part of the Episcopal community. I am also a parent. I just dropped off my son for his freshman year at McAllister College. And I also have a sophomore and I’m an alum as well.
Natalie Herford:
Good morning. I’m Natalie Herford. I’m the Head of Upper School. I also teach one AP History class. I have two students here at Episcopal. I have Stella, who is a senior, and Charlotte who is a freshman. So I’m right there in it with you. I’ve been an adolescent educator for over 25 years and that doesn’t make it any easier. I also want to say that I was on 9GOA with your children last week. Maroon Team, under the fearless leadership of Julie Carter. Bus 3. I also got to spend approximately seven hours with bus 2 in the quick trip parking lot in Byron, Georgia. And what I want to say is that this group of freshmen have such a wonderful energy about them. They’re fun and they’re not afraid to be a little bit goofy. And they were relentlessly positive, even when we did a five-mile hike in a torrential downpour. So I cannot wait to see this group of kids, the class of 2029, grow with us over the next four years.
Christy Hodges:
Good morning. I’m Christy Hodges, and I’m the Dean of Student Life. I teach geometry, so 9th and 10th grade. I’m also an advisor of seniors. So we had our last first day yesterday. It was a little teary for all of us. I have two children that are alums of Episcopal, and they are little young adults now. And I can tell you they see and understand and talk about the value of Episcopal, whether it was the connections, the things that they learned, all those different things. So that’s a part of student life is making sure that they can take something with them along the way. So I look forward to talking to you all more and being able to be a part of this amazing family.
Dr. Elise Fallucco:
Thank you. All right, so we called the series “What to Expect,” after “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” if you remember that at all. We thought it was very clever. I’m excited about it. Okay, so we’re going to talk about academic challenges, social challenges, emotional and mental health challenges. But most importantly, and this is why you came, what can you do as parents to support your kids throughout all of it? And then it’ll start with a brief presentation, and then all four of us are going to be sitting up here for a Q and A session. So take notes and write your questions down as we go through because we really just want to engage in conversation with you. Thank you.
So let’s start with academic challenges. So Natalie Hereford, who we already met, who has two students in Upper School, is our Head of Upper School. And what she will tell you is that there is a dramatic increase in the rigor and intensity of the academics when you transition from middle school to high school. So while our little eighth graders and our Middle Schoolers are tested on facts and understanding really concrete ideas, now that we’re in high school, it’s a different ball game. Our students are being asked to understand abstract concepts and then to be able to apply these concepts to other situations and in a different context and so [it is a] different stretch in terms of their cognitive skills. In addition, a lot of students are challenging themselves with more rigorous academic classes by choice. So the honors classes, the AP classes, where they’re given a larger volume of information to understand and synthesize in a shorter period of time. As if this weren’t hard enough, grading has also changed. So gone are the days in Middle School where you would get 10 out of 10 points for turning your homework in. Good job. And that would help float your overall grade point average for the semester. [There are now] fewer chances to test corrections to gain those points back or rewrite those essays to gain those points back. This is the big league. So there are fewer overall assignments, which means that each individual test, essay, etcetera, carries a greater weight towards your final grade. All right, don’t panic, because what everybody knows is that all of these grades are going on our permanent transcript as a part of our college application process. So I think a lot of the students internalize this pressure and this anxiety, and they feel sometimes like everything counts.
There is good news. So we talk a lot about executive functioning. So it’s this idea that our adolescents, as they’re going through the start of Upper School, are developing the part of their brain called the prefrontal cortex, which is right here behind your forehead, that is largely responsible for all of these higher level thinking skills. So abstract reasoning, executive functioning, complex problem solving, they are ready for this. And the challenges that they’re facing from an academic setting are preparing them to develop these parts of their brain. So this is very exciting. And I know some of you are thinking that we wish that our students would develop these skills a little bit more quickly than others. And maybe they’re not going as quickly as we would like them to. But the good news is there are things that we can do as parents to help them develop executive function skills and to empower them with some skills and techniques that they can use now and for the rest of their life. Great news.
Except for some of us, it’s not that easy and it can really feel counterintuitive. So as parents, we’re coming from the era where our kids would come with problems and issues and we would really help them fix it. And sometimes some of us would prefer to give advice and tell them how to do it, but now that’s not going to work as well. And in fact, that’s disempowering them. By telling them what to do, we’re robbing them the opportunity to develop these critical executive function skills and to help their brains grow from here on. So what does this mean? The hard part is this means we have to listen more than telling and that we have to ask questions instead of trying to fix things for them.
All right, let’s play this out in a scenario. So we have an afternoon practice today, and we know we have a game tomorrow in Yulee, and we’re not going to get back till 10:00 p.m., but then we have a test the following day and also an essay that’s due somewhere between them. All right, as adults, we can think through how we might handle it, but we can’t tell them the answers. What we have to do is ask questions, embrace curiosity. So engage in a conversation with your teen and say, okay, how are you planning on handling this? It seems like it’s stressful. It looks like there’s a lot of stuff going on. What do you want to do? And oftentimes they are going to come up with more creative solutions than we could if they need a little bit of nudging, which some of them might remind them through a question by saying using this phrase, like, I wonder. Or have you thought about using an advisory or tutorial or activities period, or some of these other blocks of time that Episcopal gives you throughout the day to try to prepare and to get ahead academically. But again, pretend it’s Jeopardy! All answers must be in the form of a question and not as advice.
Quick show of hands, and I’m going to raise my own. How many of you default to wanting to give advice and find it harder to ask your kids to solve this themselves? Okay, thank you for being honest. Just acknowledging that this is not easy. And the other thing that we can do is model a growth mindset. This is really nerdy. But also, next, show of hands, if you’re familiar with the growth mindset, this concept. Okay, good. I will not ask you to define it because I struggle to do it. But basically, the idea is, with a growth mindset is that we are not all here to just show up and be fantastic and shine to the world and get an A on every assignment. The idea is that our entire life is filled with experiences in which we have opportunities to learn and to grow. And so let’s say that scenario that we just talked about, the kid with the Yulee game till 10:00 p.m. and the test and the assignment. Let’s say fast forward a week, we get our test back, and our grade is less than what we wanted. Okay? So a natural reaction would be, of course, to feel a little bit disappointed. But as parents, we are challenged to again, hold our tongue and not say the thing that we’re thinking, which is maybe we shouldn’t have stayed up on the phone all night talking with our friends or perhaps shut down the video games a little earlier and studied. Don’t say it. Don’t say it. I know you want to. Instead, ask them. Okay. All right. So this is the feedback we got with this test grade. How can we learn from it? What can we learn from this experience? Experience. Try to avoid scolding and telling people what to do. Harder for some of us than others, myself included.
All right, so shifting from academic challenges, let’s talk real briefly about social challenges. All of us are survivors of high school, so we understand to some degree the social challenges inherent there. But our kids right now are dealing with it. In some ways, they have a lack of a buffer. Many of us had, like, strong social connections with peers who did activities with us or in our school situation, we still have that in Upper School. But a lot of the social connections are done asynchronously through social media, video games, group texts. This is their default mode of communication. And while it feels like I have a bunch of friends on my group chat, the reality is that these relationships are incredibly superficial. And so the lived experience of a teenager going through all of this is that they still feel lonely. Doesn’t matter how many names are on that group chat. There’s an increase in loneliness since the switch to this type of social connection.
The other thing that I didn’t realize until we started high school is that 9th and 10th grade, it’s like all of your social groups are a deck of cards, and somebody’s taking them and shuffling them and sorting them and mixing them and then re-dealing them. Stay with me on this analogy. It made sense in my head. So that all of the friends that you were with and that you were dealt together in middle school are not necessarily the same people that you’re going to end up spending time with in high school. And this can feel really destabilizing because what happened? How come Savannah’s not talking to me anymore? What did I do wrong? I feel lonely. The important thing that we need to remember is that this is all normal. And in fact, just as our brains and our prefrontal cortices are developing throughout adolescence, the big task for psychosocial development in adolescence is to be able to figure out your identity in the context of social relationships.
So what does that mean? It means when I’m hanging out with this friend group, am I like them? Do we share the same values? Do I feel comfortable with them? Or do I fit more with a jazz band crew? Are they more my people? This shuffling between friend groups is a way for them to help figure out who they are, what values they have, and who are the best people to connect with them. So this is so important, even though the process of it can feel at times like we’re playing musical chairs. The song has stopped and I’m the only one standing.
So what can we do as parents? We’re going to repeat the theme again to just drill it in there. Listening and asking are the key things that we can do as parents. So obviously we want to normalize when our kids come to us frustrated with various social situations that we do. Expect the first two years of Upper School to have a lot of friend rearrangements. That is okay. This is normal. This says nothing about you as a person. And then as far as asking and listening, encourage them to reflect. Okay, so you know, when you’re hanging out with your basketball team teammates, how does that make you feel? Do you feel energized? Do you feel like you can be yourself and silly and make jokes? Or do you feel like there’s a little bit of. Maybe there’s something different about us? You know, who are the friends in your life that really help you to feel like you can be the best version of yourself? And what does that tell you about you too, and your identity?
And again, if we run into social problems, encourage ourselves to collaboratively problem solve. And instead of fixing a problem with a friend group or a homecoming pre-party, try to step back and ask your teen, how do you want to handle this situation with a conflict with one of your friends or somebody on the team? And let them think and stimulate their brains to do that. So we’ve hit academic challenges, social challenges, this is a harder part, emotional challenges. So it is unsurprising that in the context of these changes and these rearrangements, instability and stress, that we are going to see more mental health problems in this age group, not to mention the impact of puberty and hormones on brain development.
So anxiety and depression are extremely common in high schoolers. One out of ten high schoolers experience either anxiety or depression as a part of going through this time of their life. And while Episcopal has a very strong no substance use policy that is very well enforced, the reality is that it is perhaps developmentally typical for a lot of kids in this age group to be tempted or to experiment with various substances. Alcohol, drugs. I’ve listed the most common ones up there. Unfortunately, all of these mental health problems and stress individually increase the risk for completed suicide, which is sadly the third leading cause of death in this age group. So this is so important that you’re here. It’s so important that you’re here. You care so much about your teenager, to support them through all of these challenges. And perhaps the best thing that you can do.
We’re going to talk about the best thing you can do is strengthen your individual relationship with your teen. They need to have somebody, ideally a parent, somebody in their family that they feel that they can confide in and come to when they’re stressed, when they feel lonely or excluded, or when they feel like they’ve gone through a huge academic failure. They need somebody who’s going to listen again. This is why it’s so important to listen and to try not to lecture. And they need somebody who’s going to love them unconditionally no matter what happens. And that’s you. That’s what you guys are already doing. You’re building that relationship.
The other thing to keep in the back of your mind are red flags. So we’ve talked about anxiety, depression and substance use being the most common mental health challenges in this age group. Potential red flags or signs that your child may be struggling with any of these mental health problems are listed here. But briefly, irritability and anger outbursts. Okay, let me clarify. All of us get angry and all of us feel irritable, sometimes more than others. But what we’re looking for is a pattern of chronic irritability where it feels like your child is more unhappy than happy or more angry than able to enjoy things. That would be a red flag.
In addition, any changes or fluctuations in their sleep or appetite. You guys are the experts. You know your kids better than anybody else. And so ultimately, if you have that gut check that’s saying something is off and something is not right, so important to listen to that social isolation is another big red flag or sign. While it’s developmentally typical for our teens to pull away from us as parents, it’s less so for them to isolate themselves from their peers and their friends. So if you notice, like, what happened to all the time that you used to spend with these guys or with these girls, like, it looks like our weekends are really quite quiet. What has changed? All of these things should lead us to, first, have that really hard conversation with our teen, and then second, think about seeking professional help.
The great news and Amy Perkins, as our Director of Student Services, is right here. The great news is that Episcopal has a number of resources to support you throughout this journey, including Student Services, which I’ll lead with if you’re concerned about your child or about your teen, or if you just want to run something, request list of resources or a potential referral place where you could send your child to get evaluated because you don’t know and you have that gut check. Amy Perkins and our team of counselors at Student Services are here as a resource to have that conversation with you as well.
In addition, all of our fantastic teachers and leaders and deans have chosen a career at Episcopal working with teens because they care. And so please know that you are partnering with a whole crowd of adults who specialize in working with teens and who truly care about your teen. Maybe ask your kid, who are the trusted adults on campus for you? Who do you feel like is your person who you could go to if you were stressed out? Is it your advisor who Episcopal calls your “parent on campus?” It might be, but it could also be your fine arts instructor or your coach or somebody else. But as parents, what we can do is to help our students identify who are these people on campus who are there when we can’t be there and can help in times of crisis.
I mentioned Student Services before, but I also want to highlight that Student Services also offers learning specialists who particularly work with kids with learning differences or executive function challenges. And they are fantastic. And they have counselors available if your child is having an unexpected crisis in their life or on campus. We have counselors available throughout every school day that they can just come to and help process those things.
I mentioned our Deans for Student life. Dean Christy Hodges, who’s going to be up here for our Q and A in just a moment, is famous for saying that, you know, the deans are not here so much to discipline or to make people feel bad. They’re not about consequences as much as they are about conversations. So our dean team models this exact collaborative problem solving, ask, don’t tell approach. They’re encouraging our students to work through these bumps on the road and to figure out what they can learn from these things.
And then finally, Julie Carter, our esteemed Director of College Counseling, is also here to help support us and encourage us, particularly with the academic challenges and with potential fears we may have about the college journey. We have a separate presentation in a couple months about college and mental health issues. So free plug for that one right now. All right. And finally, Upper School is a wild ride. There’s a lot of changes, a lot of stress, and you may feel like this lovely person whitewater rafting, who’s not doing as well as they would like to. But remember, this is not failure. This is what? An opportunity for growth. Growth mindset. An opportunity for learning. What can we learn from this experience?
And if there’s one thing to take away from this whole morning, I hope it’s that we would challenge ourselves to embrace curiosity, to avoid and do the hard thing of holding our tongue and not saying what we’re thinking. When our student comes to us with a problem, don’t immediately fix it, but ask them the questions to help their brains develop and to help them build skills that they can use in college for the rest of their lives to problem solve and to work their way through challenges.
Read transcript
Disclaimer: The transcript below was generated automatically using CastMagic. It may contain errors or inaccuracies and should not be considered a verbatim record.
Dr. Elise Fallucco:
Good morning. So nice to see you guys. Thank you so much for taking time to join us as we talk about the exciting academic, social and emotional challenges facing our Middle School students. For those of you who I have not yet met, My name is Dr. Elise Fallucco. I am a child and adolescent psychiatrist and the Director of Health, Safety, and Well-Being Programming here at Episcopal. And most importantly, I am the mother of three kids. A little, itty-bitty fifth grader, an eighth grade daughter, and a tenth grade son. So I am living in the thick of it with the rest of you. And now we’ll have the rest of our team of campus leaders introduce themselves.
Paige McGee:
Thank you. Good morning. I’m Paige McGee. I am the Head of Middle School. I just want to extend another welcome. We are so thrilled you’re here and look forward to spending this time together and helping to build community here at Episcopal.
Amy Perkins:
Good morning, everybody. I’m Amy Perkins, the Director of Student Services. We’ll tell you a little bit about what that means and how that support could be available for both you and your students. But right now I’ll just share that I’m the mother of a sophomore daughter named Lucy. And then my son Sam just graduated last year and just started his freshman year in college. And then a long, long time ago to say that I can share your experience. I managed to navigate 7th through 12th grade here myself.
Christy Hodges:
Good morning. I’m Christy Hodges and I’m the Dean of Student Life. And I’m here representing the Student Life office and so happy to see so many smiling faces this morning. So thank you so much. I am a teacher of geometry as well and an advisor, but also have two graduates that are adulting, but they started here in sixth grade and went all the way to 12th. And so I can tell you that the output is amazing.
Paige McGee:
I have to reclaim that I didn’t acknowledge my children.
Dr. Elise Fallucco:
Right. Terrible.
Paige McGee:
I was thinking about all of yours and forgot about mine. I also have two graduates. One who has graduated from college and is adulting quite successfully, and another one who’s in college and figuring out what adulting means.
Dr. Elise Fallucco:
So there’s hope for all of us.
Paige McGee:
Absolutely.
Dr. Elise Fallucco:
Excellent. So I’m going to orient you a little bit to what to expect today in our what to expect presentation. So we’re going to start by talking about some of the academic, social and emotional challenges. And most importantly, sprinkled throughout, we’re going to talk about what you as parents can do to support your teens and tweens through these challenges. And then finally, our whole team of panelists will come up for a question and answer session where we get to please take notes and you can write down any questions you have, but we get to kind of answer questions and discuss the real life application of some of these principles.
All right, so let’s start with academic challenges. The biggest academic challenge facing our Middle School students is really just adapting to change. So for many of them, this is the first time they’ve set foot on this campus. And now they’ve got to navigate and figure out where to go for all seven of their periods and classes, plus advisory, plus activities. They have up to seven new teachers, and the schedule is constantly rotating. So one day you start with seventh period, and the next day you’re starting with fourth period. So if you put on a Middle Schooler’s shoes, what that’s like is: you’re getting ready in the morning and you have to remember your PE uniform because you have PE that day; to wear your Chapel uniform and not your regular uniform because it’s a Wednesday; and then also bring your math homework, prepare for a Spanish exam, and build a robot. This is a lot for us as adults. And these kids are still developing their skills in executive functioning, in planning, in prioritizing, in figuring out how to organize all of this. So this is what Episcopal comes in with a warm hug and provides a lot of support and scaffolding. And we’re going to talk about a lot of those things today. But just to mention one right now, the Eagle Agenda, which is pictured up there, the pretty little rainbow color coded planner helps students visually see and organize. Today is Thursday, and so we start with this period and I need to remember to bring this assignment and then you click down all the way there.
The other academic challenge facing our Middle School students has to do with the cognitive demands. So we’ve moved beyond elementary school, which is all about memorizing facts. And some of our sixth graders are still in the facts stage, like memorizing facts about Greek mythology or about grammar terms. But as you move through Middle School, we’re going to add to that understanding. And now you have to understand concepts and, and be able to explain them. So, for example, you have to know how potential energy and kinetic energy are at play when you take a book and it falls down to the ground. So their sweet developing brains, I should also say, are trying to accommodate all of these changes and challenges while their bodies are experiencing an influx of puberty. Hormones, which is causing a lot of neurochemical, hormonal, and physical changes.
The good news is that all of the effects of puberty obviously are designed to help our bodies become more adult, to become stronger. And the puberty hormone effect on the brain is that our brains are also developing skills in critical thinking and problem solving. And the best part of all of this, if there’s a best part of puberty, is that this is a critical, sensitive period of development, which means that this is the window of time when we as parents and other external influences can positively shape development. So there are things we can do as parents to help our teens or our student’s brain develop critical thinking and problem solving.
Well, this sounds great. But I forgot to tell you. The hard part is that this may not come naturally to some of us, and it’s very different to how we parented when our kids were younger. So when your kids are younger, you’re used to fixing problems for them. And now that we’re in Middle School, we have to move beyond that and to turn into coaches and to really empower our tweens and teens to solve the problems on their own. And it is much faster when we solve them, and sometimes it’s better when we solve them on our own. But this is not what’s best for our kids, but because they’re the ones who need to have the experiences to develop the critical problem solving skills.
Okay, let’s kind of make this a real concrete example. So let’s say you’re driving your Middle School student to school in the morning, and they suddenly realize they forgot something. Raise your hand if this has ever happened to you. Okay, thank you. You are not alone. Let’s say it’s a laptop. This is something that they really need for their day at school. So. Oh, my gosh, what am I gonna do? I’m panicked. As a parent, we can put on our superhero cape, and we know how to fix that problem. There’s a really quick solution, but that’s not going to help them. So what we need to do is to be curious, resist the temptation to fix the problem, and step back and say, what do you want to do about this? Oh, my goodness, we forgot our laptop. That sounds important. What’s the plan? And some of our tweens and teens may surprise you. They may come back and say, I am your responsible firstborn. And you know what? I’m already aware that the library will allow me to check out a laptop for use during the day. I’ve got it. Ding. Now for the rest of us, our students, our kids, may not come to that conclusion, and instead, they may need some more coaching.
Okay, again, this is the time where it’s really hard to resist the urge to say, I know what we can do to fix it. So tell yourself, Ask, don’t tell. Back up and use the question stem. I wonder. I do this with my kids a little bit. So you’re asking them leading questions like, I wonder if your advisor might be able to help you with this problem. Or I wonder if one of your friends might be able to share their laptop with you or whatever it is. Again, getting them thinking to develop their own problem solving. There’s a reason why we like to fix things because it’s quicker and more efficient, et cetera, et cetera. But again, remind yourself it’s critically important for them to be doing the thinking and the problem solving so that they can build these skills. And we as parents need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable throughout this whole process. There are a lot of growing pains as they stumble around and make a lot of mistakes. But this is critical for helping them grow into independent, autonomous, healthy adults. And that is what we want in the long term. So you’ve got to keep. We’ve got to keep our eyes on that prize.
All right, moving on. We’ve solved the academic challenges. Now we’re on to social challenges. One of the most important things as a parent to remember about your teen’s brain is that it is highly wired at this stage of their development to value social connection and social status. And if you think about it, they want and need this connection, connection almost as much as they hunger for food or thirst for water. So if we know that, then it helps us to develop empathy and to understand kind of more of what they’re going through. They’re seeking these social connections, but yet they are in a world that is completely socially in flux. So raise your hand if you’re a sixth grade parent. All right. Our sixth grade students are entering a universe that feels like a world full of strangers. They may have had some friends from their previous elementary school, but many of them are trying to build new social relationships in this sea.
What about seventh grade parents? Any seventh grade parents? The seventh grade class this year consists of almost 50% new students. So even if you have a child who went here last year in sixth grade, they’re still, still kind of shuffling the friendship deck and trying to figure out who to sit with at lunch and who to invite to your birthday party. And I wish I could tell any eighth grade parents, I wish I could tell you that everything is fixed by eighth grade, but that is not true. Because we’ve come back from summer, and kids are still experimenting, trying new activities, sports, whatever it is. And with all of that comes changes in friend groups and lunch table situations. And so it’s a recipe for heartache a little bit as the kids navigate in and out some of these relationships. And because it’s so important for these students to develop social friendships, the flip side of that is that when they experience rejection, when their lunch tables change, or when they’re not invited to a certain birthday party, it can feel like physical pain to them. The effect of all of these social issues on our tweens and teens is that it feels very dramatic and negative and intense. And so it actually is normal for them to come to you and cry and scream. Maybe not scream, but vent on a regular basis about what they’re going through, because it can be physically painful.
But now we get to the part about what can you do as parents? Okay, our job as parents, what we can do to help our kids through social challenges is to not get on that roller coaster and more importantly, to model. This is what it looks like to have a healthy, calm nervous system in a case of crisis. I’m trying. All right, so when they come to you, let’s say late at night and we’re venting, oh, my gosh, I forgot to turn in my blah blah assignment, and now I’m going to fail. Or, oh, no, I didn’t get invited to this thing, or I don’t know who to sit with at the football game. And there are tears and there is drama. What we need to do is pause, take a step back, take a deep breath, and regulate our own nervous system to, again, to be a good role model for them. And then once we do that, to validate and to empathize. So do you guys remember when our kids used to fall down and skin their knees and we would say, oh, no, you’ve got a boo boo. And like, that hurts, and I’m so sorry, and let’s go get a band aid. Exact same principles, but translated to tween and teen parenting. So they’re coming to you, they’re stressed out. What do we say? Oh, no, that hurts. I’m so sorry that your friend said that, or that this happened during the day. Empathize, validate. They need to hear that, that what they’re feeling is real and that it matters, and then go get the band aid and move on. So what does the band aid look like in this age group? So let’s go get a snack in the kitchen. Or do you want to go for a little walk? Like maybe we can go outside for a little bit or do something that’ll help them get their mind off of what’s going on and start to regulate their body and their nervous system.
Okay. So we’ve taught them, we’ve empathized, we’ve paused. We’ve been the person with the calm nervous system with the roller coasters. Good job for you. I feel like at this point, I want to share a little factoid. Did any of you read the parent book club book from last year called “Never Enough”? Or you’re familiar with it? But one of the facts from that was that they were talking about what age group is the hardest to parent. And I bet you could guess, but maybe you can’t. It’s being a Middle School parent. This is the hardest part of our parenting journey. So I just want to pause and empathize and validate for all of us here that what we’re doing is really hard. So make sure that we’re taking care of ourselves as well. Okay? The other thing we can do as parents to help with our kids’ social challenges is to teach them skills in assertive communication. Oh, my goodness. If we think about our own conflicts in life, how many things could be solved by just having a direct conversation with somebody? So what does this look like? So let’s say your child comes and says, oh, this kid’s really annoying me because of what he said or what he did. And the Middle School tendency is to kind of talk behind backs and discuss those things. But what we need to teach them is the “I” statements and the things that we use for sort of direct communication. Like, I noticed that when I sent you that cool meme, you didn’t say anything back to me. And I noticed I felt really sad, like, I didn’t matter to you when I sent you all those texts and you didn’t reply. All right, so to recap, the things we can do as parents to help our kids through social challenges are, one, stay regulated in the rollercoaster. And then two, encourage our kids to use “I” statement assertive communication. And these things will help them now and for the rest of their lives.
Moving on past social challenges to emotional challenges. This is my favorite part. So if you can imagine, parenting is hard as a Middle School parent, Middle Schooling is hard for our kids. And so this is a time in their lives where they’re at increased risk for developing depression and anxiety, mainly anxiety. So anxiety affects about one in 10 kids. And our children with anxiety have this constant motor running through their head that’s saying, what if this Bad thing happens? What if my presentation crashes in the middle of it and I lose all of my slides? What if I embarrass myself in front of all of these parents who I highly respect? That is what anxiety looks like.
Okay, three things that we can do as parents. The most important thing that we can do to protect our kids from emotional and mental health challenges is really to build our positive relationship with our kid. So we need to be the strong, trusted, adult that they can come to when they’ve forgotten their homework, when their friend says something mean, when they’re cut from the volleyball team that they wanted to be on. And what, again, this is. The parenting tools that are required here are kind of counterintuitive. So when our kid gets in our car after school, what kind of questions do we want to ask them? Usually, how was your day? How was your day? Yes. And if you have a very chatty teen, the answer can go on for a really long time. If you don’t have a chatty teen, what are they going to say? Fine, fine.
So let’s diversify our questioning to build our relationship. So here are some suggestions. One thing you could ask them is like, what’s something funny that happened today? Or who made you laugh? At our house at dinner, we do this thing, like the three things, rose, rosebud, and thorn, where we just kind of go around and say we do our rose. What is something that was like, the best part of your day that made you smile? And then we do thorn. What was the most annoying part of your day? And then finally the rosebud.– I don’t know what it’s supposed to be – but the way we define it is what was something else that was kind of interesting that happened? And that way, it sort of gets our kids thinking and talking, but we’re not talking about their performance directly. I think as a parent, we bring our anxiety to the car when we see our kids and we think, oh, my gosh, how did that math test go? We were really nervous about it. And I don’t think they studied very much. Or maybe we know about the social situation. Did that kid say that thing again? Was he mean to you? How did you handle that? All of these things are negative, stressful things. They’ve had a very stressful day, and they do not need to be talking about that. So we’re building positive rapport. We’re trying to connect outside of performance. So what we can do is build positive rapport as parents to protect them from mental health challenges.
And the other thing would be to look out for red flags of potential anxiety disorders or depression. So what is that? Before I tell you the exact symptoms, what I’m going to tell you is the easy part. You are the expert in your child. No one else knows your child as well as you do, except maybe your partner or other family members. And so if you have a sense that something’s not up and that something’s different with your child, then you need to reach out and get help and try to find out more information. I will share actual signs, which are changes. If you notice that they have persistent irritability or anger outbursts beyond the normal teenage mood swings, that could be a sign of anxiety or depression. If they have any changes in their sleep, appetite or energy, that could be a sign. Or if they’re experiencing social isolation. So what do I mean by that? It’s normal for our kids to socially withdraw from us because we’re parents, but it’s less normal for them to pull away from their peers. So if you notice any of those things, it’s time to seek professional help. Reach out to our team, reach out to your pediatrician, and try to figure out what’s going on so that you can best help them.
And finally, there are so many resources here that we want to make sure you’re aware of. Episcopal does a fantastic job of taking care of our kids. And you may have already heard this, but the advisor that your child is assigned to is like the parent on campus. So there may be your first person to reach out to if you’re worried about your child really in any way. In addition, all of the teachers and coaches and faculty, fine arts instructors are also great resources. So an important question to ask your kid would be, who are the trusted adults on campus for you? And then for them, it may be their advisor. And also it may be like Ms. Deborah, the security person who flags us in every day, or, you know, somebody, our music instructor or somebody else. But it’s important to know who those people are so that you can get your child connected, connected with them. There are other resources that Amy Perkins alluded to before would be our student services team. So for those of you who don’t know, we have a team of learning specialists to help kids with these executive dysfunctions or learning differences. And these learning specialists are on campus and available to support our Middle School students. And in addition, we also have fantastic counselors, Justine and David. Do you guys mind raising your hand? Thank you for coming. David is not just a tech genius. He and Justine are also professional counselors available for crisis time and then available on campus during school hours. We also have our dean team, Dean Christy Hodges, who will be joining us here in a moment. She is famous for saying that she is not just about consequences as a dean, but she is about having conversations, about really encouraging kids to work through problems and to try to learn from them. So she and her team are also part there. And then finally, the things to remember as a parent, three things to take home. The things we can do as a parent to help our kids navigate through Middle School changes are, number one, be curious, pretend like it’s jeopardy. And all answers must be given in the form of a question when your child comes to you with a problem. Number two, encourage direct communication using those “I” statements. Particularly encourage your kids to reach out to the trusted adults on campus or to other friends to have those conversations. And finally, the best thing we can do as parents is to build our relationship with our kids so that they can come to us when they’re going through all of this.
And now we have reached the part of the presentation where we will begin our question and answer session. And while we’re getting ready, I want to thank a couple of groups and people who have helped to make this presentation possible. The first group is some of our ESJ faculty and staff who are listed here. And then our fantastic Parent Engagement Committee who helped to help with the programming for all of our what to Expect events. And finally, our PA Association, who may have greeted you at the door when you came here, wanted to share information about how you can get involved with them and their upcoming meetings. So if you’re interested in getting more connected at Episcopal or staying better connected, the PA is a great place to do that.
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Disclaimer: The transcript below was generated automatically using CastMagic. It may contain errors or inaccuracies and should not be considered a verbatim record.
Dr. Elise Fallucco:
Good morning. So nice to see you guys. Thank you so much for taking time to join us as we talk about the exciting academic, social and emotional challenges facing our Middle School students. For those of you who I have not yet met, My name is Dr. Elise Fallucco. I am a child and adolescent psychiatrist and the Director of Health, Safety, and Well-Being Programming here at Episcopal. And most importantly, I am the mother of three kids. A little, itty-bitty fifth grader, an eighth grade daughter, and a tenth grade son. So I am living in the thick of it with the rest of you. And now we’ll have the rest of our team of campus leaders introduce themselves.
Paige McGee:
Thank you. Good morning. I’m Paige McGee. I am the Head of Middle School. I just want to extend another welcome. We are so thrilled you’re here and look forward to spending this time together and helping to build community here at Episcopal.
Amy Perkins:
Good morning, everybody. I’m Amy Perkins, the Director of Student Services. We’ll tell you a little bit about what that means and how that support could be available for both you and your students. But right now I’ll just share that I’m the mother of a sophomore daughter named Lucy. And then my son Sam just graduated last year and just started his freshman year in college. And then a long, long time ago to say that I can share your experience. I managed to navigate 7th through 12th grade here myself.
Christy Hodges:
Good morning. I’m Christy Hodges and I’m the Dean of Student Life. And I’m here representing the Student Life office and so happy to see so many smiling faces this morning. So thank you so much. I am a teacher of geometry as well and an advisor, but also have two graduates that are adulting, but they started here in sixth grade and went all the way to 12th. And so I can tell you that the output is amazing.
Paige McGee:
I have to reclaim that I didn’t acknowledge my children.
Dr. Elise Fallucco:
Right. Terrible.
Paige McGee:
I was thinking about all of yours and forgot about mine. I also have two graduates. One who has graduated from college and is adulting quite successfully, and another one who’s in college and figuring out what adulting means.
Dr. Elise Fallucco:
So there’s hope for all of us.
Paige McGee:
Absolutely.
Dr. Elise Fallucco:
Excellent. So I’m going to orient you a little bit to what to expect today in our what to expect presentation. So we’re going to start by talking about some of the academic, social and emotional challenges. And most importantly, sprinkled throughout, we’re going to talk about what you as parents can do to support your teens and tweens through these challenges. And then finally, our whole team of panelists will come up for a question and answer session where we get to please take notes and you can write down any questions you have, but we get to kind of answer questions and discuss the real life application of some of these principles.
All right, so let’s start with academic challenges. The biggest academic challenge facing our Middle School students is really just adapting to change. So for many of them, this is the first time they’ve set foot on this campus. And now they’ve got to navigate and figure out where to go for all seven of their periods and classes, plus advisory, plus activities. They have up to seven new teachers, and the schedule is constantly rotating. So one day you start with seventh period, and the next day you’re starting with fourth period. So if you put on a Middle Schooler’s shoes, what that’s like is: you’re getting ready in the morning and you have to remember your PE uniform because you have PE that day; to wear your Chapel uniform and not your regular uniform because it’s a Wednesday; and then also bring your math homework, prepare for a Spanish exam, and build a robot. This is a lot for us as adults. And these kids are still developing their skills in executive functioning, in planning, in prioritizing, in figuring out how to organize all of this. So this is what Episcopal comes in with a warm hug and provides a lot of support and scaffolding. And we’re going to talk about a lot of those things today. But just to mention one right now, the Eagle Agenda, which is pictured up there, the pretty little rainbow color coded planner helps students visually see and organize. Today is Thursday, and so we start with this period and I need to remember to bring this assignment and then you click down all the way there.
The other academic challenge facing our Middle School students has to do with the cognitive demands. So we’ve moved beyond elementary school, which is all about memorizing facts. And some of our sixth graders are still in the facts stage, like memorizing facts about Greek mythology or about grammar terms. But as you move through Middle School, we’re going to add to that understanding. And now you have to understand concepts and, and be able to explain them. So, for example, you have to know how potential energy and kinetic energy are at play when you take a book and it falls down to the ground. So their sweet developing brains, I should also say, are trying to accommodate all of these changes and challenges while their bodies are experiencing an influx of puberty. Hormones, which is causing a lot of neurochemical, hormonal, and physical changes.
The good news is that all of the effects of puberty obviously are designed to help our bodies become more adult, to become stronger. And the puberty hormone effect on the brain is that our brains are also developing skills in critical thinking and problem solving. And the best part of all of this, if there’s a best part of puberty, is that this is a critical, sensitive period of development, which means that this is the window of time when we as parents and other external influences can positively shape development. So there are things we can do as parents to help our teens or our student’s brain develop critical thinking and problem solving.
Well, this sounds great. But I forgot to tell you. The hard part is that this may not come naturally to some of us, and it’s very different to how we parented when our kids were younger. So when your kids are younger, you’re used to fixing problems for them. And now that we’re in Middle School, we have to move beyond that and to turn into coaches and to really empower our tweens and teens to solve the problems on their own. And it is much faster when we solve them, and sometimes it’s better when we solve them on our own. But this is not what’s best for our kids, but because they’re the ones who need to have the experiences to develop the critical problem solving skills.
Okay, let’s kind of make this a real concrete example. So let’s say you’re driving your Middle School student to school in the morning, and they suddenly realize they forgot something. Raise your hand if this has ever happened to you. Okay, thank you. You are not alone. Let’s say it’s a laptop. This is something that they really need for their day at school. So. Oh, my gosh, what am I gonna do? I’m panicked. As a parent, we can put on our superhero cape, and we know how to fix that problem. There’s a really quick solution, but that’s not going to help them. So what we need to do is to be curious, resist the temptation to fix the problem, and step back and say, what do you want to do about this? Oh, my goodness, we forgot our laptop. That sounds important. What’s the plan? And some of our tweens and teens may surprise you. They may come back and say, I am your responsible firstborn. And you know what? I’m already aware that the library will allow me to check out a laptop for use during the day. I’ve got it. Ding. Now for the rest of us, our students, our kids, may not come to that conclusion, and instead, they may need some more coaching.
Okay, again, this is the time where it’s really hard to resist the urge to say, I know what we can do to fix it. So tell yourself, Ask, don’t tell. Back up and use the question stem. I wonder. I do this with my kids a little bit. So you’re asking them leading questions like, I wonder if your advisor might be able to help you with this problem. Or I wonder if one of your friends might be able to share their laptop with you or whatever it is. Again, getting them thinking to develop their own problem solving. There’s a reason why we like to fix things because it’s quicker and more efficient, et cetera, et cetera. But again, remind yourself it’s critically important for them to be doing the thinking and the problem solving so that they can build these skills. And we as parents need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable throughout this whole process. There are a lot of growing pains as they stumble around and make a lot of mistakes. But this is critical for helping them grow into independent, autonomous, healthy adults. And that is what we want in the long term. So you’ve got to keep. We’ve got to keep our eyes on that prize.
All right, moving on. We’ve solved the academic challenges. Now we’re on to social challenges. One of the most important things as a parent to remember about your teen’s brain is that it is highly wired at this stage of their development to value social connection and social status. And if you think about it, they want and need this connection, connection almost as much as they hunger for food or thirst for water. So if we know that, then it helps us to develop empathy and to understand kind of more of what they’re going through. They’re seeking these social connections, but yet they are in a world that is completely socially in flux. So raise your hand if you’re a sixth grade parent. All right. Our sixth grade students are entering a universe that feels like a world full of strangers. They may have had some friends from their previous elementary school, but many of them are trying to build new social relationships in this sea.
What about seventh grade parents? Any seventh grade parents? The seventh grade class this year consists of almost 50% new students. So even if you have a child who went here last year in sixth grade, they’re still, still kind of shuffling the friendship deck and trying to figure out who to sit with at lunch and who to invite to your birthday party. And I wish I could tell any eighth grade parents, I wish I could tell you that everything is fixed by eighth grade, but that is not true. Because we’ve come back from summer, and kids are still experimenting, trying new activities, sports, whatever it is. And with all of that comes changes in friend groups and lunch table situations. And so it’s a recipe for heartache a little bit as the kids navigate in and out some of these relationships. And because it’s so important for these students to develop social friendships, the flip side of that is that when they experience rejection, when their lunch tables change, or when they’re not invited to a certain birthday party, it can feel like physical pain to them. The effect of all of these social issues on our tweens and teens is that it feels very dramatic and negative and intense. And so it actually is normal for them to come to you and cry and scream. Maybe not scream, but vent on a regular basis about what they’re going through, because it can be physically painful.
But now we get to the part about what can you do as parents? Okay, our job as parents, what we can do to help our kids through social challenges is to not get on that roller coaster and more importantly, to model. This is what it looks like to have a healthy, calm nervous system in a case of crisis. I’m trying. All right, so when they come to you, let’s say late at night and we’re venting, oh, my gosh, I forgot to turn in my blah blah assignment, and now I’m going to fail. Or, oh, no, I didn’t get invited to this thing, or I don’t know who to sit with at the football game. And there are tears and there is drama. What we need to do is pause, take a step back, take a deep breath, and regulate our own nervous system to, again, to be a good role model for them. And then once we do that, to validate and to empathize. So do you guys remember when our kids used to fall down and skin their knees and we would say, oh, no, you’ve got a boo boo. And like, that hurts, and I’m so sorry, and let’s go get a band aid. Exact same principles, but translated to tween and teen parenting. So they’re coming to you, they’re stressed out. What do we say? Oh, no, that hurts. I’m so sorry that your friend said that, or that this happened during the day. Empathize, validate. They need to hear that, that what they’re feeling is real and that it matters, and then go get the band aid and move on. So what does the band aid look like in this age group? So let’s go get a snack in the kitchen. Or do you want to go for a little walk? Like maybe we can go outside for a little bit or do something that’ll help them get their mind off of what’s going on and start to regulate their body and their nervous system.
Okay. So we’ve taught them, we’ve empathized, we’ve paused. We’ve been the person with the calm nervous system with the roller coasters. Good job for you. I feel like at this point, I want to share a little factoid. Did any of you read the parent book club book from last year called “Never Enough”? Or you’re familiar with it? But one of the facts from that was that they were talking about what age group is the hardest to parent. And I bet you could guess, but maybe you can’t. It’s being a Middle School parent. This is the hardest part of our parenting journey. So I just want to pause and empathize and validate for all of us here that what we’re doing is really hard. So make sure that we’re taking care of ourselves as well. Okay? The other thing we can do as parents to help with our kids’ social challenges is to teach them skills in assertive communication. Oh, my goodness. If we think about our own conflicts in life, how many things could be solved by just having a direct conversation with somebody? So what does this look like? So let’s say your child comes and says, oh, this kid’s really annoying me because of what he said or what he did. And the Middle School tendency is to kind of talk behind backs and discuss those things. But what we need to teach them is the “I” statements and the things that we use for sort of direct communication. Like, I noticed that when I sent you that cool meme, you didn’t say anything back to me. And I noticed I felt really sad, like, I didn’t matter to you when I sent you all those texts and you didn’t reply. All right, so to recap, the things we can do as parents to help our kids through social challenges are, one, stay regulated in the rollercoaster. And then two, encourage our kids to use “I” statement assertive communication. And these things will help them now and for the rest of their lives.
Moving on past social challenges to emotional challenges. This is my favorite part. So if you can imagine, parenting is hard as a Middle School parent, Middle Schooling is hard for our kids. And so this is a time in their lives where they’re at increased risk for developing depression and anxiety, mainly anxiety. So anxiety affects about one in 10 kids. And our children with anxiety have this constant motor running through their head that’s saying, what if this Bad thing happens? What if my presentation crashes in the middle of it and I lose all of my slides? What if I embarrass myself in front of all of these parents who I highly respect? That is what anxiety looks like.
Okay, three things that we can do as parents. The most important thing that we can do to protect our kids from emotional and mental health challenges is really to build our positive relationship with our kid. So we need to be the strong, trusted, adult that they can come to when they’ve forgotten their homework, when their friend says something mean, when they’re cut from the volleyball team that they wanted to be on. And what, again, this is. The parenting tools that are required here are kind of counterintuitive. So when our kid gets in our car after school, what kind of questions do we want to ask them? Usually, how was your day? How was your day? Yes. And if you have a very chatty teen, the answer can go on for a really long time. If you don’t have a chatty teen, what are they going to say? Fine, fine.
So let’s diversify our questioning to build our relationship. So here are some suggestions. One thing you could ask them is like, what’s something funny that happened today? Or who made you laugh? At our house at dinner, we do this thing, like the three things, rose, rosebud, and thorn, where we just kind of go around and say we do our rose. What is something that was like, the best part of your day that made you smile? And then we do thorn. What was the most annoying part of your day? And then finally the rosebud.– I don’t know what it’s supposed to be – but the way we define it is what was something else that was kind of interesting that happened? And that way, it sort of gets our kids thinking and talking, but we’re not talking about their performance directly. I think as a parent, we bring our anxiety to the car when we see our kids and we think, oh, my gosh, how did that math test go? We were really nervous about it. And I don’t think they studied very much. Or maybe we know about the social situation. Did that kid say that thing again? Was he mean to you? How did you handle that? All of these things are negative, stressful things. They’ve had a very stressful day, and they do not need to be talking about that. So we’re building positive rapport. We’re trying to connect outside of performance. So what we can do is build positive rapport as parents to protect them from mental health challenges.
And the other thing would be to look out for red flags of potential anxiety disorders or depression. So what is that? Before I tell you the exact symptoms, what I’m going to tell you is the easy part. You are the expert in your child. No one else knows your child as well as you do, except maybe your partner or other family members. And so if you have a sense that something’s not up and that something’s different with your child, then you need to reach out and get help and try to find out more information. I will share actual signs, which are changes. If you notice that they have persistent irritability or anger outbursts beyond the normal teenage mood swings, that could be a sign of anxiety or depression. If they have any changes in their sleep, appetite or energy, that could be a sign. Or if they’re experiencing social isolation. So what do I mean by that? It’s normal for our kids to socially withdraw from us because we’re parents, but it’s less normal for them to pull away from their peers. So if you notice any of those things, it’s time to seek professional help. Reach out to our team, reach out to your pediatrician, and try to figure out what’s going on so that you can best help them.
And finally, there are so many resources here that we want to make sure you’re aware of. Episcopal does a fantastic job of taking care of our kids. And you may have already heard this, but the advisor that your child is assigned to is like the parent on campus. So there may be your first person to reach out to if you’re worried about your child really in any way. In addition, all of the teachers and coaches and faculty, fine arts instructors are also great resources. So an important question to ask your kid would be, who are the trusted adults on campus for you? And then for them, it may be their advisor. And also it may be like Ms. Deborah, the security person who flags us in every day, or, you know, somebody, our music instructor or somebody else. But it’s important to know who those people are so that you can get your child connected, connected with them. There are other resources that Amy Perkins alluded to before would be our student services team. So for those of you who don’t know, we have a team of learning specialists to help kids with these executive dysfunctions or learning differences. And these learning specialists are on campus and available to support our Middle School students. And in addition, we also have fantastic counselors, Justine and David. Do you guys mind raising your hand? Thank you for coming. David is not just a tech genius. He and Justine are also professional counselors available for crisis time and then available on campus during school hours. We also have our dean team, Dean Christy Hodges, who will be joining us here in a moment. She is famous for saying that she is not just about consequences as a dean, but she is about having conversations, about really encouraging kids to work through problems and to try to learn from them. So she and her team are also part there. And then finally, the things to remember as a parent, three things to take home. The things we can do as a parent to help our kids navigate through Middle School changes are, number one, be curious, pretend like it’s jeopardy. And all answers must be given in the form of a question when your child comes to you with a problem. Number two, encourage direct communication using those “I” statements. Particularly encourage your kids to reach out to the trusted adults on campus or to other friends to have those conversations. And finally, the best thing we can do as parents is to build our relationship with our kids so that they can come to us when they’re going through all of this.
And now we have reached the part of the presentation where we will begin our question and answer session. And while we’re getting ready, I want to thank a couple of groups and people who have helped to make this presentation possible. The first group is some of our ESJ faculty and staff who are listed here. And then our fantastic Parent Engagement Committee who helped to help with the programming for all of our what to Expect events. And finally, our PA Association, who may have greeted you at the door when you came here, wanted to share information about how you can get involved with them and their upcoming meetings. So if you’re interested in getting more connected at Episcopal or staying better connected, the PA is a great place to do that.